Today’s words: Incarnate, Zest, Troubled, Posture
Word count: 624
Completion time: 50 minutes
Summary: It’s never that easy to hide your
sexuality...something’s going to give eventually
--
It wasn’t very fair on her, but they had the same
eyes, same relaxed posture when sitting down, same zest for life that encouraged
me to try my best; to me they were
the same person. Not to mention the fact that they were twins. They weren’t
identical, but when I found out that they shared the same womb for nine months,
my brain made up similarities that would have remained undetected otherwise. It’s
a very exhausted stereotype that twins were two parts of a whole, but I couldn’t
help myself...I suppose that the more similar I found them, the easier it was
to deal with my troubled mind and fucked up situation.
Jody was bisexual, and he didn’t hide it so most
people knew and he didn’t care...that’s what was so attractive about him – his confidence.
A few people had made fun of him in the past but it didn’t seem to get to him,
he’d just laugh it off and play along because he was secure in his sexuality;
that and Kim was likely to raise hell like Satan incarnate if anyone crossed
paths with her brother.
Kim. She was the person I originally went for, and
it took me a while to realise that I had chosen the wrong gender, let alone the
wrong sibling. Don’t get me wrong, she was great and still is, but it was Jody who
had a futon reserved in my heart. However, instead of breaking up with her when
I realised, I pretended that she was Jody to try and make it work. Now, they
didn’t look very similar at all, so my imagination got a bit of a workout and
my eyes were closed a lot more often – when we would cuddle on the sofa, when
she gave me blowjobs, when she fell asleep on my chest. And it worked – I got hard, I performed well,
and we were both happy, so what was the harm [?] I asked myself.
Dishonesty. I hated myself. I could pretend that
everything was okay, but Kim was in love with a lie, a projection of someone
she thought she knew. Someone she thought loved her back. Someone she thought
wasn’t, could never be, gay. How could a gay man kiss her, touch her, fuck her
like that? If someone insisted that I was gay, she wouldn’t have believed them.
Why didn’t I just tell everyone the truth, tell
Kim that I didn’t, couldn’t like her anymore because I liked Jody? Then tell
Jody exactly what I told Kim? No-one knew that I was gay, and I had only been
informed a couple of months earlier when I found myself on the ‘gay’ section of
a porn site, wanking through about four videos before noticing that something
was up. Liking guys doesn’t automatically make someone gay, but it made me
question everything and eventually I concluded that I didn’t feel the same
about girls as I did about guys, not even close. But by then, I had already been
seeing Kim for five months.
So what did I do about Kim? Furthermore, what did
I do about Jody? I had to end it with Kim eventually, I couldn’t keep it
up...what if she wanted to get serious? I couldn’t pretend to love her as a serious
partner, a husband, a father, all the while stealing glances at Jody and
mind-wanking to explicit fantasies at family events. As for Jody, I decided
that I couldn’t go there after I’d dipped my nib in the family ink, so I forced
myself to move on and find another guy.
I haven’t found him yet, but I know he’s out there
and when I find him, I’ll tell him how I feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment