#112 - It's Up to You

Today’s words: Roam, Fields, Compute, Integrity

Word count: 575

Completion time: 59 minutes

Summary: You’re in control of your own life, whether you choose to mess it up or come out on top

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My mother was the strongest influence in my life. She always told me that, even if things seemed hopeless or out of reach, that it was my job to turn things around, it was up to me to push my life in the right direction. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you are in control. The welcoming fields of green where carefree children roam and pretty flowers bloom aren’t just for the privileged, they’re for the hard-workers who know what they want and strive to get it. There is no fate, no lady luck, no destiny, it is us who decide the lives we want to lead.

She was a woman of intelligence, logic, and aggressive, but amazing, integrity. Dishonesty didn’t compute with her...it was like she physically couldn’t lie to anyone. After school one afternoon, after a bit of nudging and blushing, a friend and I encouraged each other to ask my mum about sex. The first thing she asked us was,

“Where did you hear about sex?”

“At school,” my friend said almost immediately.

My mum nodded as if she expected it but she needed to hear it out loud. “Okay, what do you want to know?”

“What is it? What happens when you do it?”

“And what are you supposed to do?”

“Does it hurt?”

“When do you do it?”

My mum switched off the TV and beckoned us to sit on the sofa either side of her. There was no ‘ready, set, go’, she just dove right in without armbands. We were only seven, but she spoke to us almost like she’d speak to me now. I heard terms I didn’t understand, even with a dictionary, and it only made me more confused. The main things I got from it was that it’s not a choice that everyone makes, only do it with someone you trust, and that it isn’t just the boy that gets to decide where he ‘finishes’.

My friend got in trouble the week after by squeezing packets of mayo on her face and telling everyone that she’d been spermed on. She thought they’d be jealous that she was so advanced for her age and some were, but most were just humoured and wanted to know more about what she’d learned. When questioned by the school, my mum’s defence was that she was only being honest and that at least Alex was in a better position to make informed life choices.

When I was in my first year of uni, my mum’s wife cheated on her a year before she actually found out. As a life-long sufferer of depression, it hit her even harder; I could visibly see the light in her face fade as if someone had used a dimmer switch on her entire being. She still tried to be a good person, but it was a struggle that she lost two years later.

“You’re in control, you’re responsible for the way you live your life.” That’s what she said, and that’s the only way I will ever come close to understanding what she did.

She didn’t want to leave it to her ex, her illness, or outside influences that she couldn’t control to beat her, so she didn’t – she did it herself.

Every damn day, I remember what she taught me and will strive to make her proud because I know that she would never forgive herself if I failed because of her.